Entering My Interior Castle
{This work arose from the reflection and processing through of a class that I am taking and presented on this semester where we have been studying St. Teresa of Avila's Interior Castle. It was a final "project" so the references refer to this as a project I've been working on. A look into my soul's work this semester}
Amidst a semester’s
inner work with and through the Interior Castle, parts of myself have been
illumined as I reflect on this work within my present season of life. With each
progression to a different mansion week by week, I realized that I’ve had a
harder and harder time resonating and finding myself within the rooms of these
dwellings. It wasn’t until I sat down to review St. Teresa’s words for this
project that I’ve been able make sense of this uneasiness and the heart work
that is in progress.
This season of my
life, I find myself in what seems like a paradox of relatively permanent
transition. New roles, new people, new job, new habits, new routines, new city,
new STATE… basically everything within the last 6 months of my life has been a
transition into a new normal. As a result, I’ve continually felt the pains of
being uprooted from a place I felt deeply established, deeply known,
sufficiently adequate, and firmly rooted. At the same time, parts of myself,
that have been the most prominent sense of who I was before all this new took
hold, are left in Iowa, in South Dakota, with dear souls that’ve moved all over
the country. Yet, I the body in which I reside and the life that I’ve chosen is
here, in this entanglement of new. I’m left with this sense of fragmentation,
where I haven’t been able to collect the dissociated pieces of myself that are
all over the place, and feel centered, or whole.
Up until this point,
I thought I was having the identity crisis characterized by the fourth
dwelling. And while it still could be, and parts of me might reside here, it
was made strikingly clear when I read the words from Caroline Myss, “Here, you
are no longer consumed by mental chaos or distracted by earthly reptiles”
(247). Welp, that’s not me. In fact, it seems to be the opposite. It wasn’t
until I finally allowed myself to truly reflect on Teresa’s dwellings that I
turned back to some of the questions of the first mansion. The question, Where the heck am I?!? Seems to be
particularly relevant to the state in which I find myself in, during this phase
of my life.
Coming to this idea,
of course, my inner critic went all “What? The first mansion? Seriously? I’ve
got to be further along than that.” BUT, despite that voice initially bringing
up shame in this realization, I find there is tons of grace in essentially
going back to the basics, in order to restore some simplicity to the stage of
life that I find myself in and ultimately, restore my sense of union with God. It
seems that this transition of new, this feeling of literally being abandoned by
myself and parts that make up myself and questioning of where am I, lead me to
consider how I’ve experienced and seen obstacles to what Teresa has identified
as the markings of the first mansion: humility, chaos, and the whisper of the
Beloved.
Humility:
I’ve realized the
depth through which I’ve been humbled. It seems that the peeling back and
scattering of the outermost and familiar parts of myself has left me with the
part of me that is dust. In this, I feel the pain of separation from God, maybe
that arose after the fall, from creatures living into their creatureliness. For
example, I feel the loneliness of being unknown, the shame of feeling
inadequate, and the frustration of not knowing God’s will for my life. On top
of it, I have become aware of my inability through this transition to discover
God’s promises and trust that I belong in this place, where I am at. Realizing
I don’t trust well in ambiguity is a pattern that I’ve become aware is so
deeply imbedded into who I am. All things I’ve realized contribute to my
understanding of my place in relationship to God. I’ve been humbled because I
realize just how deep I am disoriented, fragmented and un-whole. These
experiences of my external world have in a sense led to an awareness of the
fragmentation as an “uncomfortable reality” and source of inner chaos.
Chaos:
My experiences of
humility have awakened me to the ways that chaos takes dominance in my life. In
Chuck’s blog post about the first mansion he says, “Leaving the security
of your attachments is akin to the Israelites leaving Egypt. It’s the only
game in town, and it’s the game you know. ‘Switching stories’ is difficult. We
are secure in the things we know.” This couldn’t be more true. In the process
of my switching stories, being stripped of most of what I knew and felt secure
in, my inner chaos has bloomed. I realized how insecure I am in myself and
ability to make friends, succeed in seminary, be a well-liked and hard working
employee, discern my calling and simply live out my truest self. So, I live
into this anxious self, that is always conscious and concerned with how I am
perceived to the world around me. I realized this anxiety is a fear that I
nurture because I’ve become so accustomed to it’s hold on my life, for as long
as I can remember. It helps me process, helps me prepare for the unknown. The
sense of unfamiliarity in my external world, creates chaos in my internal world
as far as my connection with myself and ultimately with hearing God’s voice and
truth amidst it all. Yet, even through all of this, there is a divine sense of
longing for so much more. I can hear God calling me to trust but I think if I
actually trust, I might have to live life outside of anxiety, which is scary
for me because it means I have to let go of the way I feel like things should
be.
Soft Whisper of the Beloved:
As I read further
and in more detail Caroline Myss’ work on the first mansion, I discover that
I’ve definitely dealt with the work of humility and chaos, the darkness of
self-awareness, but I’ve not considered the work of encountering the light and
beauty of the first mansion which comes with discovering the divine in myself.
This seems to be the thinking I tend to hold, especially in transition and new.
Living into my anxiety and inner chaos, I lose sight and become deaf to the
sweet, soft whisper of God. It is so easy for me to believe what is not, rather
than what is. I live into this mentality here of who I am not anymore because I
am in this new setting in life. I think my struggle has come from trusting and
ruminating on the untruth of being unwhole, fragmented, misplaced, frustrated
and insecure instead of trusting that God is present in every detail of my life
and calls me to meet and trust him with my heart and soul.
Making sense of all
of this, just even in the past week I’ve been working on this project, has
helped me to see in greater depth a need to really work through and take my
time on discovering parts of the first mansion that I seemed to have
overlooked. This “discovery” has also led me to feel a little more free and
focused, so that 1) I can take time to hone in on some disciplines of the first
mansion. And 2) Teresa’s words have encouraged me to allow myself grace in
knowing that I am dwelling with the Beloved, even in times of transition.
So to end, I’ve
found a prayer that is thanking God for being present and meeting Godin a
multitude of different experiences and realities. It also acknowledges the work
that is still yet to be done in our lives, so this is my prayer for when this
class is over, yet I still have much transformation to occur, it’s called “A
Way to Go” and it’s by Frederick Ohler:
God of unceasing
change
hear the gasps of
those who are
stuck
trapped
addicted
perpetually
adolescent
prematurely resigned
thinking that it
will never get any better
clearer
or gentler for them.
Whisper…
thunder!
But do get through
to them with the saving word
that persons need
not stay the way they are.
Hear also the
anxious, unspoken fears
of those who are
productive
successful
comfortable
finding satisfaction
in their work
pleasure in life
love at home
You in your heaven
and all right with their world.
They never step on
the sidewalk cracks
they say their
prayers
they see their
children beautifully, peacefully asleep in bed
and want so much to
stop time
that
this innocence,
security, and safety may be preserved forever.
Speak to them the
saving word
the strange good
news
that persons will
not stay the way they are.
The word of faith is
the same for us all;
We are always
unfinished;
You are not through
with us yet.
In the painful and
pleasant changes of life
we meet You
and the Christ.
We call Him the Way
and mean only the destination;
He is also and
especially the journey
the process
the getting there
within, amid,
through
the heart attack,
the conversion, the birth, the death
the growing up and
growing old and becoming like a child.
Good news to her who
is not as lost as she thinks.
Good news to him who
is not as saved as he imagines.
Good news to us all.
Way to go
amen.
Entering the Castle, Caroline Myss
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