Un-knowing.

They say that with age comes wisdom. Wisdom gained from fill-in-the-blank years of existing in this world. Whether the wisdom is good or bad, that is another story. Needless to say, more years of living equals more stories and advice to give around the dinner table at holidays.

I'm not really one to offer what wisdom I do feel like I have but seeing as my 23rd birthday is around the corner, I thought "Eh, Why not?"

This wisdom is not particularly for those who are reading but the words are written to myself. If I could speak to myself a year ago as I entered into my Taylor Swift birthday (a.k.a 22), if I could give one snippet of wisdom or advice, or a momentum to live by this is what I would say:

You are about to enter into a year of un-knowing.

Huh?

No, I didn't stutter. This is a year where much of your reality will become un-known to you. 

But don't worry, with un-knowing comes a chance to re-learn-- but thats not going to happen in this year. 

This year much of what you thought you knew about yourself. your relationships, your strengths, your desires, your beliefs and theology will seem like they've escaped you and you will feel like you don't even know what anything is. 

God will strip you of your identities and call you to open yourself to him but you will un-know that he is faithful. 

You will un-know what it looks like to seek vulnerability and shelter, even in the spaces you feel most comfortable.

You will un-know most of what you thought you knew about Reformed theology, about who God is, and it seems like you will un-know the sound of God's voice.

But of course, as much as you spent un-knowing, you spent building a different kind of passion and strength.

You will un-know what you thought you knew about resiliency. You once believed only the most powerful and fortitudinous of people showed resiliency and the gusto to persevere amidst challenge. But you exhibited gusto in your desire to continue on a path that was painful and lonely. You showed strength in your willingness to fall apart, while letting God holds those pieces in his hands. 

While you work and strive to be good, despite your valiant efforts, you will un-know what it looks like to be completely covered in grace. You will see that it is exhausting to live for this world, but life in the Spirit brings restoration, peace, and rest. 

You will un-know that creativity is not reserved for only those deemed as "artists". Your passion for hospitality, love, comfort, and safe space will drive you to create a home in which many will enter to share a meal, a game, a cup of coffee, or a nap. 

You will un-know that your energy for people can inspire you to craft a cozy space and inspire you to create with food. 

All in all, you will un-know. It will feel scary and painful, and ultimately it will rock your world. 

But..

You will be okay.

22 will be your year of un-knowing.

23... perhaps 23 can be a year of re-learning. Re-learning everything you un-knew. Walking faithfully into ambiguity and re-learning the things that have been dismantled as a part of this year. 

But don't forget to celebrate! Celebrate yourself, and who you are right now. You don't do that enough. 

That is my wisdom. That is my prayer. 

Un-know. Re-learn.