When Disappointment Meets Pentecost

"A dream is a wish your heart makes

When you're fast asleep

In dreams you will lose your heartaches

Whatever you wish for, you keep

 Have faith in your dreams and someday

Your rainbow will come smiling through

No matter how your heart is grieving

If you keep on believing

The dream that you wish will come true."

This was a song that most of us know, most of us are familiar with. A lot of us grew up singing this song being drawn into the promise of hope, life, prosperity to come. I mean how could you not be swept up in a fairytale where happily ever after, rags to riches, fulfilled dreams are all the rage and nothing is left to mourn, to leave you disappointed, or to keep you wishing.

The young, blonde maiden leaves a life characterized by loneliness, servanthood, and a bad family history when she is discovered by a prince, who whisks her away into happily ever after. Did I mention he finds her all because she left her glass slipper (uncomfortable I imagine, I would probably ditch those puppies too. My dogs would be barkin! Give me some Birkenstocks please!) If that's not a good story, I don't know what is.

You see, Disney has this way of making dreams come true. Uncomfortable realities get abandoned and replaced by happy endings where it seems everyone gets what they longed for and what they deserve. No one is left hoping. No one is left with heartache. No one is left waiting for their rainbow to come smiling through.

This song is the epitome of a life lived "happily ever after". Yet, it leaves me wondering what about the "ever after"? What was life like for Charming and Cinderella when they came back from their honeymoon and had to go back to ordinary life in the castle? How did Charming handle his in-laws? Did Cindy ever want to get her Masters in Engineering? Did Charming ever want kids? Did they experience the pain of infertility? Did Charming ever wonder if there was more to his identity than being a pretty face? 

These are the issues that haunt us as we enter into our "ever afters", whatever they might be. These are the issues that this fairytale melody doesn't account for. 

The thing about the song is that it doesn't account for the times in life when "just believing" in our dreams can't actually accomplish the ultimate reality that we might hope for. It doesn't account for the gap between our dreams and the reality that we are currently living. It doesn't account for the times when "just believing" can't land us the job we desire. It doesn't account for the times when "just believing" doesn't magically make someone fall in love with us, so that we can start the family we long for. It doesn't account for the times when we can't bring back the person we lost, or get rid of the cancer, or rise above flawed systems of injustice.

The song is great for fairytales, but leaves gaps when we try to translate it to real life. 

Okay, perhaps my own judgment is biased, due to present life circumstances that cloud my dream-o-meter, but I do know that in a season of disappointment it feels tricky to simply say that believing in my dreams can make them come true. 

After graduating seminary, you would think I would feel excited about the possibilities in front of me and the educational years behind me that mark the majority of my 23 years of living. I am excited, but as I walked across that stage one week ago to accept a diploma (that will be mailed to me in a few weeks) and be clothed with one of those fancy hoods, I felt such a feeling of disillusionment. My seminary experience was over and I felt like I was just getting the hang of it. Despite being in seminary, my faith had been dismantled and I felt like maybe I was on the brink of some sort of revival. This rite of passage wasn't marked by a big move, or a marriage, or a new school or job, or a new city. It was simply marked by a return to the exact same life I had been living, just moments before I walked across that stage. I knew that after all the fun was over, I had to return to the job rejection emails and possibilities that fell through, to tulip time traffic, and to figuring out how to lean further into some kind of adult status as I can no longer rely on being a student any more. It all felt discouraging and so far from the dreams I had hoped would come true by the time I graduated. 

So I grieved my dreams. I grieved that I longed for them. I grieved that they felt so far away from me and that I couldn't "just believe" them to become my reality. I grieved that God would grant me certain longings and then make it seem as if those longings didn't matter. I grieved that it seemed like the Holy Spirit was far from me, drifting opportunity and hope into others' lives but leaving me clinging on to nothing but thin air. 

You see it seems that it is in the spaces between our dreams and our actual realities that we often doubt that God has anything good for us there at all. And I think this is something I've struggled with over these past two years. Everyone has told me to "see the good" and "be positive" which are great suggestions but when it feels like the primary color painting my world is disappointment, those suggestions suddenly become obsolete. I realize that sounds somewhat depressing, but in the seasons where life feels like all it has is closed doors for us even when we feel like we are giving it all we have to offer, there must be something else offering us some kind of hope beyond the disillusionment we stand face-to-face with. 

It is this question I've had to ask myself over and over and over again in this season of my life. What is the hope in all of this? What is the task of the faithful disciple amidst disappointment? 

Today I was reminded of a similar question that was asked at a point in history when it seemed that the disciples were given hope. Jesus had just ascended to heaven after being physically rose from the dead, present in human form on earth. He was again taken from the disciples to a place where they couldn't see him. In Acts 1:9 it literally says, "as they were watching, he was lifted up, and a cloud took him out of their sight." They watched and wondered where he was. The text never again really addresses what the disciples might be feeling, but I imagine no matter the joy that came days before, I image they were left in disillusionment, wondering when they would get to see Jesus, when they would get to experience the joy of their life with Christ again. 

It was today I was reminded that on the Day of Pentecost the disciples were given something I imagine they needed, something they desired. Acts 2 describes the Spirit (coming not in a shy manner by any means) filling each believer. They spoke in languages they all recognized, united and prophesying of one Lord. 

They were filled with the Spirit. 

It was this image so beautifully articulated by a talented and wise pastor today, that offered me a hope, or rather, a prayer beyond broken and disillusioned dreams and a disappointing reality. As I sat in the pew processing my pastors words, I was so happy for the disciples and the people present on that fiery Day of Pentecost. I was happy and relieved because they needed the Spirit. I imagine the Holy Spirit gave them the gusto to keep on keeping on, to believe that Christ was with them again. 

Then I realized that I need and long for that same Holy Spirit to be present and manifested in my life. I so need right now the promise that Christ is with me through the Spirit to be true. I need it to be true because I long to know that God is working through each rejection email that I read, plan that falls through, and grouchy customer that I serve at the coffee shop. I long to know that God empathizes with my disappointment and while I understand not everyone gets the chance to say that their lives turned the corner, things were good again, and their dreams became their reality, I long to know that if that doesn't happen, the Spirit still calls me to something. I long to know that God cares about my dreams. That even if those dreams don't take me anywhere in life, the indwelling of the Spirit in my very being will take me to the places that grant some sort of life, energy, and hope. I need for the Spirit to fill me like she filled the believers on the Day of Pentecost. 

I need this biblical truth to come alive in my own life, because mostly, I need to know God has not left me.

So for me, in this moment, the task of hope, the task of the faithful disciple looks something like a prayer that Jesus' promise to send the Spirit on his believers is as true today as it was back then. I don't have faith because a silly Disney song tells me to. I don't believe dreaming harder will make my dreams come true. I do believe and pray it is true that the Holy Spirit is present in moments and spaces where our reality doesn't quite reach the height of our dreams. If you too, are in moments of disillusionment, moments where you wonder if the Spirit is present, where you wonder what your passions, dreams, and desires have anything to do with your future, here is a simple prayer for you and for me.

Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. 

You promise an advocate to be with us and in us. 

On this Day of Pentecost many years ago you sent the Spirit to be that advocate. 

We pray that this is true. 

We need this to be true because we need to know that you are with us. 

We need to know that you care about the longings of our hearts. 

We need the Spirit to dwell with us richly. 

May we have eyes to see and ears to listen to the call of the Spirit in our lives and our world. Help us to believe in this truth, and to believe in you. Amen.